How can you hate someone you love
How can you love someone you know hates you
How can you still love someone when you are also in love with someone else
How can you love someone who has only hurt you
But the most pressing question of all: how can your best friend love him too. And for him to love her back is just another stab in the heart.
Monday, 13 May 2013
Sunday, 10 February 2013
i hate school
I've never really understood why some kids hate school. Now I do. You probably don't, even if you like to think you hate school, you can't empathise with me unless you dread going to school the next day, constantly worry about going and stress so much you feel ill. Thats how I feel. IT IS ALL FAR TOO MUCH FOR ME TO HANDLE. I am being over loaded with assignments and responsibility. Expectations too. the ones that others have set for me and the ones I have set for myself. I'm not a bad student- quite the opposite, but teachers will never understand us. The horror it brings us to have lost a planner or forgotten a piece of homework. The think we are invincible, bulletproof. They will take extreme measures to 'knock us back into place' ,yet, we are already tearing ourselves apart for the thing they are punishing us for.
No wonder school is one of the main reasons for suicide. Personally, I don't feel like I am strong enough to carry on worrying and stressing with so much on my plate. Though, I have no choice. I will still drag myself out of bed in the morning. I will still cry internally as I answer a question wrong in class and am ridiculed for it, I will still tear myself up for losing something or another, whilst being shouted at by an angry teacher from whom I have lost all respect. Because the law says so. The law would prefer for children to have to endure this feeling day after day after day than to be a child. They say that society is the thing that makes children grow up too fast. But the truth is, it's school. School is piling on pressure, stress and responsibility while we have to deal with adjusting to life as well. School is the one forcing us to make decisions about the rest of our lives RIGHT NOW, when we are bearly past the age of twelve.
So I don't want to go back into school tomorrow. Or ever. Because school has already forced me to grow up FAR too fast. Where did the time go where we could all be children? We had to stop being children at the age of four.
No wonder school is one of the main reasons for suicide. Personally, I don't feel like I am strong enough to carry on worrying and stressing with so much on my plate. Though, I have no choice. I will still drag myself out of bed in the morning. I will still cry internally as I answer a question wrong in class and am ridiculed for it, I will still tear myself up for losing something or another, whilst being shouted at by an angry teacher from whom I have lost all respect. Because the law says so. The law would prefer for children to have to endure this feeling day after day after day than to be a child. They say that society is the thing that makes children grow up too fast. But the truth is, it's school. School is piling on pressure, stress and responsibility while we have to deal with adjusting to life as well. School is the one forcing us to make decisions about the rest of our lives RIGHT NOW, when we are bearly past the age of twelve.
So I don't want to go back into school tomorrow. Or ever. Because school has already forced me to grow up FAR too fast. Where did the time go where we could all be children? We had to stop being children at the age of four.
Saturday, 26 January 2013
Just now my dad came in- just as suspected.
Dad: i'm sorry if what I said upset you. We would really like it if you came down and watched the TV with us.
Me: No thanks, I dont want to (NOT A HINT OF SARCASM)
Dad: why?
Me: (genuine) I'm fine up here
Dad: (walking away with vehemence in his voice.) I tried my best, you're just a spoilt little child who burnt the house down*
It doesn't seem like much. It's just words and not very powerful ones at that. But it hurts enough. Enough to make me sit here and cry.
*context: I had left my hair curlers on a couple of days ago and they slightly singed my heat protective cover. They would have automatically turned off after an hour anyway, but my dad lords it over me and everyone else that he turned them off.
Dad: i'm sorry if what I said upset you. We would really like it if you came down and watched the TV with us.
Me: No thanks, I dont want to (NOT A HINT OF SARCASM)
Dad: why?
Me: (genuine) I'm fine up here
Dad: (walking away with vehemence in his voice.) I tried my best, you're just a spoilt little child who burnt the house down*
It doesn't seem like much. It's just words and not very powerful ones at that. But it hurts enough. Enough to make me sit here and cry.
*context: I had left my hair curlers on a couple of days ago and they slightly singed my heat protective cover. They would have automatically turned off after an hour anyway, but my dad lords it over me and everyone else that he turned them off.
Hormonal Teen
I'm the teen in this house. I'm also a teenage girl, so aren't I allowed to be a little bit tetchy at times when people have a go at me? Am I not allowed to be a hormonal mess? Because I thought that was one of the privileges of being a teenage girl. The one allowance. The one thing that makes everything suck a little less... apparently I have been stripped of that, too. Along side my innocence.
So what if I want to sit in my room on my laptop for a while just to get away from everything that annoys me and sets off my tetchy side? What right do my parents have to force me to go back downstairs? Surely removing myself from the situation is better than gradually getting more agitated and risking snapping at someone. Though nobody seems to see it that way. The way they see it, I'm in a huff. I'm not. I just want some peace and quiet, where I can be alone.
It doesn't help that they worship the ground my brother walks on. He works me up to the point where I say something in response, causing him to walk off. This then, causes my parents to have a go at me for upsetting their beloved son, whilst not caring about how I might be feeling.
Not only that, but he acts an authority figure over me, constantly telling me to not do something or condescending me in general. My parents lap it up, like puppy dogs. They back his ideas and thoughts at every twist and turn, acting like he is a prodigy or something.
I'd better go.
So what if I want to sit in my room on my laptop for a while just to get away from everything that annoys me and sets off my tetchy side? What right do my parents have to force me to go back downstairs? Surely removing myself from the situation is better than gradually getting more agitated and risking snapping at someone. Though nobody seems to see it that way. The way they see it, I'm in a huff. I'm not. I just want some peace and quiet, where I can be alone.
It doesn't help that they worship the ground my brother walks on. He works me up to the point where I say something in response, causing him to walk off. This then, causes my parents to have a go at me for upsetting their beloved son, whilst not caring about how I might be feeling.
Not only that, but he acts an authority figure over me, constantly telling me to not do something or condescending me in general. My parents lap it up, like puppy dogs. They back his ideas and thoughts at every twist and turn, acting like he is a prodigy or something.
I'd better go.
Wednesday, 23 January 2013
Cycle
Its happening again. I hate it. I feel... I dont know. But its not a guy this time. Guys i can handle. This time its me. And i hate me for it.
Sunday, 13 January 2013
Falling, again?
Is it allowed? To fall for someone again? Or even worse, not knowing or wanting to fall for them again.
Why can't I ever be satified with being friends with a guy? I will always like them *in that way* or at least, think I do.
So I dont know what to do. I have caused so much pain to him already and persuaded myself that i hated him. Then we talked again. For the first time in over six months it was still there . IT.
I have to stop myself, I know i do, I want to. After everything, I know that it would mever last again. Besides, I want to take a break from guys. Theyre all jerks anyway.
Why can't I ever be satified with being friends with a guy? I will always like them *in that way* or at least, think I do.
So I dont know what to do. I have caused so much pain to him already and persuaded myself that i hated him. Then we talked again. For the first time in over six months it was still there . IT.
I have to stop myself, I know i do, I want to. After everything, I know that it would mever last again. Besides, I want to take a break from guys. Theyre all jerks anyway.
Tuesday, 1 January 2013
Happy New Year
It's a new year. A new start. Whatever has happened in the past year can stay in the past because we don't have to carry that weight around with us.
Undiniabley, 2012 has been an amazing year for me, despite the depression mid december. I can only look back at the year with fondness and wonder if another year can be anywhere near as good as this one.
I hope so. I will be doing all I can to psh myself to be the best that I can be and be better than everyone expects me to be. A better friend. A better girlfriend. A better sister. A better daughter. A better me.
So wish me luck.
Undiniabley, 2012 has been an amazing year for me, despite the depression mid december. I can only look back at the year with fondness and wonder if another year can be anywhere near as good as this one.
I hope so. I will be doing all I can to psh myself to be the best that I can be and be better than everyone expects me to be. A better friend. A better girlfriend. A better sister. A better daughter. A better me.
So wish me luck.
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