Happy for once

Actually happy

Sensations

I cant believe it. This is actually happening to me. My crush 'Phillip' has been texting me all morning. He is the sweetest and funniest person I have ever met, and he has gone out now so our conversation has stopped.

But maybe the best thing of all is that HE SUPPORTS NEWCASTLE. Yay! So maybe I should take him to the match with me... If we go out, that is

Losing my Voice

Sounds dramatic, I know. You are probebly expecting for me to rant about how nobody listens to me etc. etc. Bit the truth is- I am literally losing my voice.

I have stopped talking for a while now and it is killing me! Ah well, at least I have my thoughts to offer me company.

Hopefully it will clear up by the time Chrostmas rolls around so that I can video blog (vlog) on the big day, as I have been planning to for a few months now

Even though it is only typing rather than speaking, I feel like I need to stop now to conserve my voice

Close to Christmas

The house is getting festive as the big day gets nearer but there is one thing I wish would happen on Christmas day. Something that would make my day...

Mistletoe. Being under the mistletoe with that one special person. How about you?

Fluttering Heart

It has been done! I finally forgot about Bob! To be honest, I couldn't care less about him! I'm so happy right now! To prove how much I don't care, I can tell you that his name was Michael not Bob. See, even though I probebly should'nt have done that, I did! Because even if he did read all of my previous posts, I wouldn't care! I am so over him and for good this time!

My crush asked me for my number!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know that it is childish to put so many exclamaton marks in a single post but there is no other way to express my excitement!!!!!!!!

I know that I have no chance with him but that doesn't stop that tight feeling in my chest does it? I cant even wipe the grin off my face :D

It's probebly really pervy to be writing about him when he doesn't even know about what his message did to my heart, so I will stop writing now.

I'M JUST SO HAPPY :D

I'd rather die

I'd rather die than spend another day here,
the people who are supposed to be drying the tears are causing them,
everything good I once has is now gone,
nobody cares about me,
I'm a distant thing." Not capable of human feelings",
behind everyone's screams and shouts,
behind their harsh slaps and sharp toungs,
I cower in a corner, hiding from it all,
as the tears fall down my face, my sadness is overwhelming,
I hate my life.
I hate me.
Suicide.
The only way out?
Nobody hears my cries as I beg for help,
they're too obsessed with themselves and painting themseves in a good light,
no matter how bad that makes me look in turn,
they don't care,
nobody cares.
A few more years.
Thats all,
then I can leave.
Get away from here for good.
Get away from everyone and everything holding me back.
I dont need them
They dont need me
So why does it still feel like I have a massive gaping hole in my chest?
Something is missing.
Someone is missing.
I know who.
 But their gone.
Out my life.
If only someone could hold me,
to help me get by,
but no one will,
no one ever will
at least,
not when I'm dead

What does happiness feel like?

I've forgotten. What happiness feels like. It's like I am constantly going through life hurting in my heart. My head. Everything. It's a nightmare. I hate it all. I have messed my life up horribly. I just feel permanently awful. I want to give up. On everything I have ever worked on or towards. School work seems so unimportant. I have my GCSEs but to be honest. those are the least of my worries. I've always been this genius. But I hate it. I hate what I am. Nothing seems important any more. It's just like I have a giant hole in my soul. I can feel it. And I know what is missing. And it kills me to know that there is something that i could have done about it.

Its tearing me apart. I can care about anything anymore. The one thing that I have ever loved is gone and I am sure that he is never coming back. I cry every time I think about it. My friends don't understand. They don't even care. They know they hurt me but they... I don't know. I guess its probably my fault. I put on a smile. Joke along while the world is on my mind. My world, anyway.

I just want Jonathan to hold me. To comfort me. As a friend. My best friend. While I cry into his arms. But if I did that, then I wouldn't be the person that I used to be. I have to be bubbly and funny and energetic. That's who I am. That's why we are friends. Right?

My life is falling apart at the seems. They say that time is a great healer, but it's just getting worse for me. Will it ever get better? I can't live if it doesn't.

I wrote about depression in my book. I need to re write it. Its wrong. Its a permanent black hole where you go through life feeling worthless and losing everything you ever cared about. Losing your own identity. It doesn't show. It hardly ever does. Especially for girls. We are used to faking a smile and making a joke at our own expense. Nobody notices when we fall apart inside.

Life sucks.

Is it love?

Yesterday, my friend brought up an interesting point. She said "What's the point in having a boyfriend at our age?"

I'm 13. We both are. It probably seems like a very young age to be having a serious boyfriend, but to me, it feels like I could marry Bob now and spend the rest of my life with him. It's crazy, I know. But that is how I feel. I know it would never happen, though, because I have a habit of ruining every good thing in my life.

Which leads me to the question: Is it love? I really don't know. All I know is that I think about him when I'm not with him, I'm jealous when he talks to other girls and I enjoyed his company. When he didn't hate me. Does that constitute as love? Some of my friends are adamant that they are in love, but I can't help wondering if they actually are. To be honest, we don't have to know. Not just yet, anyway. Can't we just have fun and enjoy our lives before being tied down to one guy?

But how am I supposed to enjoy my life when I am constantly thinking about Bob? If you hadn't guessed, my resolution about not thinking of him didn't even last an hour.  I wish I was sorry.

I miss him

So if you've ever had a boyfriend or girl friend for over a month and been on lots of dates and had fun together, then you will know what it is like for that to end. Especially if it wasnt your decision for your relationship to end. It hurts. Maybe not at first, but it will hurt eventually.

My boyfriend, lets call him Bob, broke up with me early September time. At the time, I wasnt too bothered. As time went on, we concidered getting back together but had a fight over it, meaning we arent even friends anymore. Its been over a month since we have even talked to eachother properly. And, I'm feeling weak. I miss him so much. I find myself imagining what it would be like if we were to go out again. Thinking of what I would say if he asked me out again. Every time my phone goes off, I hope it is a message from him. It never is.

But now? I'm just done. Done thinking about him. Because it will never happen between us. We are just not meant to be. I'm okay with that now, though. I just need to get on with my life from this point onwards. Focus on the future, not the past. Find somebody else. It didn't work last time, but it has to be different now. Because I cant cope with the possibility that he might've been the one.

God Knows Your Name

Okay, so if you dont belive in God, you may want to skip this post but still feel free to read it anyway...

So, I was in church the other day and there was a sermon on that mentioned heaven. Or maybe it was an RE lesson, but anyway, the fact is irrelevent. And it just had me thinking- however unrelegious or unimportant you may feel on  Earth, when you go to heaven God will know every good thing you have done and everything about you. He will adress you by your name.

If you have never had the experience where somebody knows your name without even asking you or you telling them, then you probebly wont understand, but it is honestly one of the best feelings ever. Whether it is a teacher or employer, it just shows that they care enough to learn your name. They wern't born with the knowledge of your name- they took the time to know it. And so did God. God knows yours and my name and, to me, thats astounding.

How does that feel to you?

Starting Off

Why am I making a blog? Well, its a long story...

A few months ago, I started a vlog (a video blog) on YouTube. It was so much fun and I would vlog everynight. After a while- I had hundreds of video views and it was amazing! I told my best friend the YouTube channel name and she promised to keep it a secret, as I didn't want everyone finding out as I would never hear the end of it. She didn't keep her promise. Some of the feedback from my peers was good. Some teasing and recently what people have been saying makes me feel awful. So I decide to write instead; to do what I am good at. Nobody I know will ever read this because I will never tell anyone about it.

Long story short, all I want is to share a bit of my life with you and not have to worry about what I look like or what others will think of me. Well, of corse you're entitled to your opinion but, please, lets try to keep this blog a No Hate Zone.

Thanks :)